My Offering

Sometimes I write on this blog to just tell you what we've been up to...and sometimes, I write because it's therapeutic for me and because I hope that my sharing connects with someone somewhere.  Today is one of those days.
One year ago this week, I was pregnant...and then lost the baby.  And it's hard to believe that another year has gone by without another pregnancy.  The past 44 months have been a rough roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes it seems that nothing is as trying or as painful as WAITING.  At first the waiting isn't so bad...but then the waiting turns to fear and then the fear makes you want to hold onto that want even tighter.....and it is SO HARD to LET GO.  But that is what I'm doing these past couple of months.  For the first time EVER, last month I started loosening my grip on this deep desire for more children.  It is just NOT happening and I feel like I can't handle the ups and downs every month anymore.  I also started to see some positives for the first time ever of not having another baby.  But at the same time, I couldn't let go completely.  I thought....one. more. month.  So then this month, I of course have every pregnancy symptom possible.  I was SURE I was pregnant. My hopes were up SO HIGH.  I thought I knew my body...but apparently I didn't because I'm not going to have another baby.
Yes, I AM SO THANKFUL we were triple-y blessed with Addison, Emily, and Hailey....and at the very same time I feel sad that EVERYTHING just went and continues to go so fast.  In 5 short years, I will have no little children in our house anymore.  They will all be at school full time next year.  I pictured having like 12 years with little ones in the house like my mom did but I won't get that.  And when I thought that being a stay at home mom with little ones running around for that many years was my calling in life, I struggle to know my purpose in life now.  I know I still have a purpose of parenting my girls....but it's just so fast and only ONE time for everything.   I struggle with my place now as pretty much all of my friends still have 2 or 3 kids at home and I'm in this new place with NONE at home.  It's kinda a lonely place to be..and a big transition all at once!
 We really have had triple the joy with our girls...but we've also had a mega transition from zero kids to three kids in one year.  And in 13 quick years, we'll have a mega hard transition going from the super crazy life of 3 high schoolers to silence in our house when they all go to college. Chaos to silence...SO.FAST.   I can't even think about that now.  Every stage is fun.  Every stage is busy.  Every stage is crazy.  Every stage is once.  And I just pray that I'm able to savor every moment as they really are flying by.  I'm sad that I won't get to rock a baby to sleep....because I never really did that.  It was always a factory when they were babies and I'd quick feed one to get to the next one who was crying to get to the next one and then quick put them down to sleep before they would need to start eating again in an hour and a half.  I'm so thankful that the girls have each other....and yet I'm sad that they won't ever get to be "big sisters."  They would be SO good at it.   I see how they are with baby Brie who I watch and they love taking care of her and seeing her grow and change.  They would be SUCH amazing big sisters as they are all leaders in their own amazing way.  I'm thankful that if I am able to have only one pregnancy, that God gave me 3 babies in one shot...and that He gave me an incredible pregnancy and I really loved every minute of it.  But also because of that, I'm sad that I won't get to experience that again.  And I still struggle to have the sense of "completeness" that people talk about when they know they are done having kids.
I know in my heart that God has a plan in all of this.  He taught me a lot when we were trying to get pregnant the first time around.  He taught me to trust Him and that He is so faithful.   I wanted to get pregnant when I wanted it...and then He surprised us with three instead of one in His perfect timing.  So I know His plans are amazing and I'm trying to put that trust into action....yet it is a DAILY decision to trust Him and some days are easier than others.  This time, I was hoping He was going to teach me patience and then I'd just learn to be really really patient and then eventually He'd bless us with a baby....but instead, I'm learning contentment.  And THAT is really really really hard.  Especially when the thing I want is something so good, something I thought I was called to do, and something I dreamt of.  I know I still have 3 beautiful girls to love and parent....it's just all going to go so much faster than I hoped. And we only really have one shot at this parenting thing since they are all the same age.  Again I thank God for His help and His grace in that...because otherwise that is a lot of pressure!
So I guess I'm just letting you know my struggles...asking that you pray for Ryan and I as we strive to offer God our pain and our desire for another child.  I fluctuate between some feelings of peace and also feelings of anger.  Please pray that we really can be content with His will for our lives and our family...   A friend reminded me of the words of the song "Blessings" that says "...this pain reminds me that this is not our home."  It's true.  I look forward to that day.  When He will satisfy all our thirsts....that day when we won't have to wait for anything anymore.  This morning in church we sang "Oh Glorious Day" and these words made my cry..

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringingMy Savior, Jesus, is mine

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He's coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

I look forward to that day.  Thanks for letting me share how hard it is to give God the very thing I want to hold on to the most. And thanks for your prayers as I try to give it all up to Him and love Him more than anything else.