My triplets :)

So just thought I'd share a couple "triplet" type stories that I generally feel are just normal everyday occurrences but maybe they are not. :)
All the stares and gauking eyes in public have definitely slowed down now that the girls are older, that Addison is like 3 inches taller, and that they don't really dress alike as much anymore.  Most people think I have twins and then think Addy is year older.  I'm amazed at how often people say 'Wow, do you have twins?!" And then I'm like "No, triplets."  And then their eyes about pop out of their heads like they don't believe me.   Most people think triplets are either all identical or all fraternal and that it must be impossible to have two identical and one fraternal.  Anyway, we definitely still get looks in stores...but now we no longer get people touching their heads, strangers talking to me forever about how it all worked, telling me that I have my hands full, that they are glad it was me and not them, and asking if I used fertility or whatever.  Which by the way, EVERYONE asks if we used fertility treatments which is always interesting to me because most people would never ask that personal of a question to a random mom!  But anyway, just the other day I was at Target by myself, shopping in the clearance section for the girls.  And these two funny African American ladies were also shopping for their daughters/granddaughters.  I think I was hogging all of the skirts because I was trying to find 3 in different colors and sizes and I think they probably wanted one that I had in my hand so one said "How old is your daughter that you're shopping for?"  I said, "Well I have 3 and they are all 5."  They proceed to like SCREAM in Target and FLIP OUT that I had triplets.  "GIIIIRRRRLLL!!!  You had TRIPLETS!  She had triplets!  God be with her!"   This leads to about 4 other moms who were shopping in the kid section to come over and all ask questions about what we said when we found out, if we used fertility help, how that all works, if we want more, how I nursed them, you name it.  I felt like I was teaching a little lesson on multiples or something.  Then I told all of them that another crazy thing is that my best friend also just had triplet boys a year ago.  The one lady was like "She has bad karma! RUN!!"  And they seriously all walked away from me.  So funny.  And that was that.  It was at least a 10 minute discussion on the whole thing.  Gotta love it. :)
Also, our biggest challenge lately is the girls just wanting our attention I guess and it's hard when they all want the same things because they are all girls and all the same age!  We have refereeing sessions like every 30 minutes over very minor things like who gets to be the one to be carried up to naps...or who gets their breakfast plate first  (who cares!)  or who gets to read their book first or who gets to be prayed with first at night or who gets to have their gloves put on first.  OH man!!  This is tiring!!!  So we started having "shining stars" for the day like they have in school so if you are the shining star on Mondays, then you get to do everything first and pick things out and all of that. That has helped a little but it's just REALLY hard to teach them that some things just aren't big deals when they really are a big deal to them! I've been craving some one on one time with the girls so this next month I'm going to try signing up two girls for lunch bunch (they can stay an extra hour after school) and take the other one to lunch with me by herself.  So we'll see if that helps at all.  :)
And since my last post was kinda sad, just thought I'd share some mom moments that make me SO happy. :)
Days like THIS where I come into the room and see Emily and Hailey helping each other read.  Melts my heart! :) (E and H)

 And seeing the girls with Ry....whether it's wrestling with Daddy or reading or watching college hoops with him, I love seeing how the girls relate to him and love him.  He really is a GREAT father and hubby!!!

 And I love just sharing in the girls' JOYS in life.  Like this one....the neighbors up at the lake asked if the girls wanted to tube on the ice.  How FUN is that?!  I have never done this in my life and I LOVE seeing the girls go at life with such  excitement and no fear.  They were flying around that ice having a BALL.  I love seeing them experience so many new things and then hearing them explain it all afterwards is even better!

 (Hailey, Emily, Addy hanging on for dear life) :)

 And they are definitely my mini-me's. :)  Here they were helping me cook dinner one night.  I love their company and how interested they are in learning new things.  Just the other day Hailey said to me in bed "Mom, I don't want to be a little girl anymore."  Aww...they want to grow up too fast...and they are!!!! (Addy, Hailey, Em)

And one of my favorite mom moments was just last week and I wish I had a picture.  We were outside in the garage waiting for the bus.  I had to run inside to get someone a different hat or something that I couldn't find and when I came back out, the girls weren't in the garage anymore.  I went out to look and Hailey was standing at the end of the driveway with her head down.  Addison was over by the front door standing with her head down...and Emily was more by the backyard with her head down.  I was like, "What are you guys doing?"  They came over and said "We were having God Time Mom!" My precious girls.  :) They continue to teach me so much.

My Offering

Sometimes I write on this blog to just tell you what we've been up to...and sometimes, I write because it's therapeutic for me and because I hope that my sharing connects with someone somewhere.  Today is one of those days.
One year ago this week, I was pregnant...and then lost the baby.  And it's hard to believe that another year has gone by without another pregnancy.  The past 44 months have been a rough roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes it seems that nothing is as trying or as painful as WAITING.  At first the waiting isn't so bad...but then the waiting turns to fear and then the fear makes you want to hold onto that want even tighter.....and it is SO HARD to LET GO.  But that is what I'm doing these past couple of months.  For the first time EVER, last month I started loosening my grip on this deep desire for more children.  It is just NOT happening and I feel like I can't handle the ups and downs every month anymore.  I also started to see some positives for the first time ever of not having another baby.  But at the same time, I couldn't let go completely.  I thought....one. more. month.  So then this month, I of course have every pregnancy symptom possible.  I was SURE I was pregnant. My hopes were up SO HIGH.  I thought I knew my body...but apparently I didn't because I'm not going to have another baby.
Yes, I AM SO THANKFUL we were triple-y blessed with Addison, Emily, and Hailey....and at the very same time I feel sad that EVERYTHING just went and continues to go so fast.  In 5 short years, I will have no little children in our house anymore.  They will all be at school full time next year.  I pictured having like 12 years with little ones in the house like my mom did but I won't get that.  And when I thought that being a stay at home mom with little ones running around for that many years was my calling in life, I struggle to know my purpose in life now.  I know I still have a purpose of parenting my girls....but it's just so fast and only ONE time for everything.   I struggle with my place now as pretty much all of my friends still have 2 or 3 kids at home and I'm in this new place with NONE at home.  It's kinda a lonely place to be..and a big transition all at once!
 We really have had triple the joy with our girls...but we've also had a mega transition from zero kids to three kids in one year.  And in 13 quick years, we'll have a mega hard transition going from the super crazy life of 3 high schoolers to silence in our house when they all go to college. Chaos to silence...SO.FAST.   I can't even think about that now.  Every stage is fun.  Every stage is busy.  Every stage is crazy.  Every stage is once.  And I just pray that I'm able to savor every moment as they really are flying by.  I'm sad that I won't get to rock a baby to sleep....because I never really did that.  It was always a factory when they were babies and I'd quick feed one to get to the next one who was crying to get to the next one and then quick put them down to sleep before they would need to start eating again in an hour and a half.  I'm so thankful that the girls have each other....and yet I'm sad that they won't ever get to be "big sisters."  They would be SO good at it.   I see how they are with baby Brie who I watch and they love taking care of her and seeing her grow and change.  They would be SUCH amazing big sisters as they are all leaders in their own amazing way.  I'm thankful that if I am able to have only one pregnancy, that God gave me 3 babies in one shot...and that He gave me an incredible pregnancy and I really loved every minute of it.  But also because of that, I'm sad that I won't get to experience that again.  And I still struggle to have the sense of "completeness" that people talk about when they know they are done having kids.
I know in my heart that God has a plan in all of this.  He taught me a lot when we were trying to get pregnant the first time around.  He taught me to trust Him and that He is so faithful.   I wanted to get pregnant when I wanted it...and then He surprised us with three instead of one in His perfect timing.  So I know His plans are amazing and I'm trying to put that trust into action....yet it is a DAILY decision to trust Him and some days are easier than others.  This time, I was hoping He was going to teach me patience and then I'd just learn to be really really patient and then eventually He'd bless us with a baby....but instead, I'm learning contentment.  And THAT is really really really hard.  Especially when the thing I want is something so good, something I thought I was called to do, and something I dreamt of.  I know I still have 3 beautiful girls to love and parent....it's just all going to go so much faster than I hoped. And we only really have one shot at this parenting thing since they are all the same age.  Again I thank God for His help and His grace in that...because otherwise that is a lot of pressure!
So I guess I'm just letting you know my struggles...asking that you pray for Ryan and I as we strive to offer God our pain and our desire for another child.  I fluctuate between some feelings of peace and also feelings of anger.  Please pray that we really can be content with His will for our lives and our family...   A friend reminded me of the words of the song "Blessings" that says "...this pain reminds me that this is not our home."  It's true.  I look forward to that day.  When He will satisfy all our thirsts....that day when we won't have to wait for anything anymore.  This morning in church we sang "Oh Glorious Day" and these words made my cry..

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringingMy Savior, Jesus, is mine

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He's coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

I look forward to that day.  Thanks for letting me share how hard it is to give God the very thing I want to hold on to the most. And thanks for your prayers as I try to give it all up to Him and love Him more than anything else.