Rainbow Jack

Well I wish I was writing this post with the exciting news that we are pregnant with baby #4....but I'm not.  My little one was born in heaven instead of here...and I'm sad I never got to meet this child on earth.  

Jeremiah 1:5, 8  "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.  Do not be afraid....for I am with you...declares the Lord."

This loss has been especially hard, because Ryan and I have been wanting another child for over 2 1/2 years.  People always say you know when you're done having kids and we've just never felt that way.  The first year of trying, it was totally fine not getting pregnant and God did know best because we were attempting to raise THREE two year olds at that point and potty training them and that would have been unbelievably difficult if I was pregnant or had a newborn.  The last year and a half has been much harder waiting for God to bless us.  Ever since I turned 30, I had pregnancy symptoms like EVERY month so I KEPT thinking I was pregnant only to see those negative results on the test.  If you've never gone through infertility (and I don't wish it on anyone)...it really is hard to understand how hard it is.  The ups and downs every month...the waiting...the wondering...the praying...  I am so so thankful that God did bless us with 3 at once (and even without the help of fertility) last time since getting pregnant is so hard for us.  Sometimes I feel guilty to ask God for another child since He has already given me 3 healthy amazing girls....but then I also heard one time that one of the best compliments you can give a cook is to ask for more.  And so I guess that's what I'm doing - thanking God SOOO much for what He's given me....and loving them so incredibly much...that I'm humbly asking Him for more.  

Anyway, so the month of my 31st birthday, I told some of my friends that it was funny because this was the first month in a year that I actually had no pregnancy symptoms.  I joked that maybe I was actually pregnant!  Turns out - I WAS!!  I can't even tell you how excited I was.  I didn't think I was at all - I was telling myself not to take another test because it would just be negative ...but then it wasn't and my first thought that ran through my head over and over was "So THIS was God's plan.  THIS was God's plan!"  I had been wondering so long IF we were to ever get pregnant again or if I only got to experience the miracle of growing a baby and going through the stages of parenting - one time. So it was so amazing to finally see what God's plan had been that whole time.  We were ecstatic.

We waited to tell the girls...as they too, have been praying for God to give them a baby brother/sister too...but one night we did ask them "So IF God did give you a brother/sister, what would you name it?" Hailey was INSISTENT on it being a boy named Jack.  Addison couldn't decide....and Emily was adamant we name the girl Rainbow.  We all laughed and told her Rainbow isn't a girl's name but she insisted. :)

So at only 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, on Saturday I started bleeding...and I knew that couldn't be good.  My only hope was that last time I also bled, thought I was losing the baby....and then found out I was having THREE.  But this bleeding was different...and lasted the whole weekend.  So yesterday morning I went to get my hormone levels checked and they should have been in the 2000s....but they were 100.   Since I had waited in limbo the whole weekend, wondering what was going on...I was as prepared as I could be for the worst.  

I had started writing a journal to Baby #4 because I did the same thing for the girls. (and because if you can't tell, writing is very healing for me and always has been).  I already had 2 entries in it.  So yesterday I wrote my final entry.  I can't tell you how incredible and intense a mother's love is.  I had only known about this child for a week and a half...and yet I love it as much as my girls that I've known for 4 1/2 years.  I am so sad that I won't get to see it grow up here...and I will never understand God's purposes.  But one thing I do know is that every life DOES have a purpose.  And so that's why I'm sharing this all with you.  The purpose for this little life may be to refine me..and draw me to Him, but I also hope and pray that this little life may help others in some way...that my sharing all this may be a comfort to somebody else out there...and I know that God can bring good out of any situation.  Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."  It's kinda funny because even though I love my triplets and wouldn't change that for anything, I have always wanted to be able to relate to more mom's by being able to know what it's like to have just one baby.  Well, THIS was never MY plan but funny how now I can relate to so many mom's who've experienced a miscarriage.  And in some crazy way, it's comforting to me that my little one was welcomed in heaven by his/her cousin and so many of my friends' unborn babies.  I can just see them having a little playdate in heaven.  Playdates in heaven must be out-of-control FUN.  I can tell people are praying for me right now...because even though I'm super sad (and I'm sure I will be off and on for a while)...I do have a sense of peace that I know can only be from God.   I just pray that peace continues and that He will either take away my desire for another child or that He will bless me with another one soon.  He is already teaching me to put my hope in the One who gives me children, instead of putting my hope in my children. 

Isaiah 41:10  "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

So I'm in awe at what God is teaching me through my girls.  So on Saturday I had been laying around all day and the girls knew something was wrong but we never told them about a baby or anything.  Then Hailey came over to me, and then ran over to Addison and Emily who were coloring and she said "Guys.  God is poppin' a baby into mommy's tummy.  And it's a boy baby...and it's name is Jack."  This came out of NO WHERE.  A and E were like WHAT?!!!!  Ry and I couldn't believe what she was saying.

Then on Sunday night, before bed, Emily came and sat on my lap and said "Mom, what is going on with your tummy?"  I just looked at Ryan.  She said "MOM, what's going on with your tummy?"  So then Ryan and I told them about how God created a baby in my tummy but we don't know if the baby is going to be okay and God might want the baby in heaven instead.  The girls are so funny - the fact that they might NOT have a baby sibling didn't even really phase them because they think heaven sounds pretty cool.  They were like "Oh so the baby is going to get a cool new body and never get any owies!!!" Faith like a child.....  And so we prayed that night....and Hailey said "Can we please name the baby Jack?"  

So then Monday I went to get the lab work done while the girls were at school.  Right after school they asked how the baby was.  I told them the baby went to heaven.  Addison said "Why did the baby have to go to heaven mom?"  And I said "I don't know honey.  Maybe Jesus didn't want the baby to have to get any owies here."  And she said "Or maybe 4 kids is a lot to handle." You should have seen the way she said that.  :) I love how they can make me laugh in such a sad situation.  

So while I was writing my journal to my baby in heaven yesterday afternoon, I decided to just look up the meaning of the name Jack since Hailey was so insistent.  Turns out, the name means "God is gracious."  Who knew. And then how cool that the other name "Rainbow" is a symbol of God's promises.  God is reminding me through the children He's given me that He does love me no matter what...that He is a gracious God.  And I love that I will be reminded of this promise and given hope...whenever I see a rainbow.  It is with His strength, and through my tears, that I'm able to say "He gives and takes away.  Blessed be Your Name." 

1 Samuel 1:27, 28 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord."